Are we ever really prepared for giving birth? Like truly prepared? I hear stories about how everyone gets themselves ready with their bags packed and their “birth plan”. When I tell you I totally had full intentions of all of that and as far as “birth plans” go….it didn’t really go for me. Let’s start from the beginning.
At Olivia’s first fetal growth scan, she was measuring small. There were no concerns and the doctors assured me: “every baby grows differently, everything is okay ” but they wanted to bring us in again in a few months for another growth scan. When we had the second one, I was feeling good. I felt like she grew because she was moving so much, I just had good feelings. The doctor came in and told us Olivia did not grow as much as we wanted her to and it looked like IGR (Irregular Growth Restriction) also known as IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction). She was behind. IGR? What is IGR? I didn’t understand what that meant and needed someone to explain to me what was going on!! The only way I could describe my feelings was that I felt like I was punched in the throat. I looked at Jimmy, he grabbed my hand and he calmly smiled at me and he told me, “don’t cry, don’t cry, it’s okay”. I immediately broke down in tears because my mindset as a pregnant woman was that I am carrying and providing for this baby so my mind automatically went to “what am I doing wrong?” “What can I do to prevent this?” “How can I help my baby?”. The doctors confirmed it was Irregular growth restriction, which meant my baby wasn’t growing. She wasn’t where she was supposed to be. The tears just flowed…damn hormones.
Finally the doctor reassured me that Olivia was okay. There were no indications she wasn’t okay but it looked like we should prepare for an induction. They also wanted me to go in twice a week for non-stress tests. The doctors believed she would do better on the outside than in. HUH? I was like make that make sense to me. She would do better out here than in my belly. I was confused. But, I went to my tests, my NST nurses were amazing and told me not to worry. It was just precaution to take some comfort in hearing my baby.
My induction was scheduled for January 21st, a Friday. I decided my last day of work would be the 18th, a Tuesday. I figured that way I had the rest of the week to prepare, pack my hospital bag, because it wasn’t like I would have been going into labor on my own so I had time to do all of these things. Induction was the plan got it… I left work for the last time to go to my NST and also a third growth scan. Everything seemed normal. I chatted with the nurses and they loved me. Nurse Tina, my favorite nurse at MFM, she was so excited because her birthday was January 22nd, so she made jokes about how the baby might be born on her birthday. I secretly hoped for that because she made me feel okay at every appointment. After the NST was done it was time for the growth scan. The tech was quiet as a mouse, normally she would show me the baby and print me pictures, but this time she didn’t. She finished and said “I’m going to send the doctor in.” Okay……weird. The doctor came in and our conversation went like this:
Doc: “It’s a beautiful day to have a baby!”
Me: “Yeah this weekend, I’m super nervous”
Doc: “No…like today”
‘TODAY??? Like today?’
Doc: “So it looks like she is still measuring small, she is about 5 lbs. I am going to have you drive over to the hospital, they are expecting you so you are all set to go straight from here.”
At this point I couldn’t speak. I had just got off of work, I was still in my scrubs.
“Wait like right now?”
“Yup right now.”
I was stuttering at this point and couldn’t get words out. by myself. This was supposed to be a normal NST day, not going to the hospital to have a baby day. Huh? I asked if I could go home to shower and pack a mini bag before I go to the hospital. My doctor told me no. I told her I needed to call my boyfriend. She said, “Don’t scare him, everything is fine. He has time.” I asked her, “So he has time to get off of work but I can’t go home to shower and pack a mini bag? Is she okay?” “Yes she is fine, we just don’t know if she will be okay come Friday.” Excuse me What.the.fuck. DO YOU MEAN My baby wouldn’t be okay 3 days from now? I was uncontrollably shaking at this point and I was alone.
I parked in the hospital parking lot. I called Jimmy 12 times. He was at work and he answered, “Babe I’m working.” Yeah, I know. “Jimmy, I’m I’m I’m I’m I’m..they told me to come to the hospital they are inducing me now” I was sobbing. I called my mom. I felt so helpless. I was alone, scared and I had no idea what the fuck was happening. Due to Covid my mom couldn’t come, I was only allowed one person so she stayed on the phone with me as I walked into the hospital. I was shaking like a leaf as I was greeted by staff. I told them I was told to come to the hospital and needed to go to the labor and delivery floor. The lady, who was an older woman, was so sweet and took my hand. She could clearly see I was upset and scared. She tried to reassure me by walking me up to the floor and rubbed my back as we walked up. We got to the floor and I was greeted again: “Alyssa hi! We have been expecting you.” ‘You’ve been expecting me? That’s great I wasn’t expecting you until Friday’. They took me to a triage room, since there were no labor rooms available at the time. You know when you are nervous or uncomfortable you start to babble? Yeah that was me. They handed me my gown, helped me into bed, and started putting the monitors on me. Jimmy was racing home from work but I was still alone. The nurse reported her heart beat was strong and reassured me the small babies are always the fighters.
When Jimmy got home he facetimed me asking what he needed to pack for me. So on facetime we figured shit out together. He held up all the wrong things, the wrong coming home outfit, the swaddle, no matching bows…I was so upset because I should have been the one doing all that, but I appreciated him trying and helping. When Jimmy arrived to the hospital and I felt relieved since I was no longer alone. He wanted to know what was going on but I had no fucking idea what was going on. Jimmy’s aunt is a labor and delivery nurse, so naturally we had her on the phone to help us ask all the right questions. The doctor came in and mentioned that in a few hours they were going to give me Cervidil to induce me.
A few hours passed and the doctor administered the Cervidil. I couldn’t sleep, I had to call a nurse every single time I wanted to roll over or I was woken up if a monitor slipped off. At 6 a.m. the doctor came in and checked me. I was only half a centimeter dilated. That’s It!? The doctor asked if I had felt any contractions because the monitor picked some up. I hadn’t felt a damn thing. I kept thinking back to how she isn’t ready to come out. I told the doctor and nurses my concerns. They responded again with “The MFM doctor thinks she will do better outside than in.”
They then mentioned inserting a balloon. Basically it is supposed to dilate you more, and once you get to 4 cms it falls out. The problem was I needed to be more dilated so they could easily insert the balloon. I was only half a centimeter. Jimmy and I talked about it and figured we should try the balloon. Terrible, terrible terrible. The insertion hurt so badly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” was all I heard my doctor saying on repeat. Slow tears leaked out. My one nurse was at my head and Jimmy was on the other side. After 2 tries, the doctor couldn’t seem to insert it. I wasn’t dilated enough. Finally, on the third try she got it. Jimmy hugged my head, wiped my tears away, and told me how strong I was and how good I did. Jimmy went back home to get more things. I finally felt contractions once I was alone in the triage room. I was so uncomfortable at this point. I needed something. The nurse came in and asked if I wanted a shot of morphine. You bet I do sister. That was the best few hours of my life.
They moved me into my actual room now, and I could finally shower. Morphine started to wear off a little but was feeling okay. The doctor came in to check the balloon. I hadn’t dilated as much as he would have liked so the balloon stayed in. How lovely I had this balloon inserted in me for 12 hours now. They asked me if I would like another shot of morphine, while we waited for an epidural team to arrive in my room. HELL YEAH give me that. Suddenly, I felt a warm gush. What the fuck was that? My nurse assured me it was just a little fluid. A little fluid? Then she goes “your water broke”. Contractions immediately struck my whole entire back to the point where I was screaming. So no morphine?? My nurse kept telling me the epidural was coming. She suggested getting out of bed and trying a different position. I couldn’t even walk 2 steps without screaming in pain. There was blood all over the floor. Jimmy followed me with a rag cleaning up. The nurse looked at him, “You don’t have to do that.” He followed up with, “I don’t know what else to do for her.” He called my mom and she heard me screaming. He asked, “Is this normal?” She followed with “yes”.
Contractions were about 60 seconds apart, my nurse said, “You got this, the epidural is coming. It;s 60 seconds on 60 seconds off”. I was bent over the bed and at this point, I didn’t even care, I ripped my underwear off, my whole ass out. It didn’t even matter since everyone was going to be seeing all of me anyway. I screamed how I needed to lay back down. I couldn’t even hold myself up. Jimmy helped me back into bed. I felt like I was full blown exorcisming on this bed. Back fully arched, I squirmed all over. I screamed so hard my vocal cords felt like they were gonna fall out. Jimmy threw himself on top of me. I screamed into his chest and bit his shirt. I had never felt pain like this. My nurse told us the epidural people are in the room next door. I was next, I just had to fight through this pain. She then delivered the news: “So they aren’t coming.” I looked at her like I misheard her. She said, “The epidural team is getting pulled into an emergency in the ER they aren’t coming,” I said, “Is this not an emergency?” She responded,“No this is not an emergency” her response was met with a scream of pain in her face. I could start to feel myself pushing, my body’s natural response was to push because I had nothing stopping me from doing that.
My nurse checked how far along I was dilating. She brought the spotlight back and I heard. “Okay yeah wow I see the hair, this baby is coming right NOW”. I dilated to 7 centimeters in 20 minutes. She got on the phone, “I NEED DR. LO HERE NOW THIS BABY IS COMING FAST!” All of a sudden another nurse ran in, my doctor sprinted in and they were gowning up so fast. Next thing I knew my ass was propped up and my knees were open. They tried to explain to me not to push until told. I began pushing. I had Jimmy on one side of my head watching and holding my hand encouraging me. I gave a push and she would come and go right back in. My nurses were like let’s go, you got this! I had my own personal cheerleaders. Finally Jimmy looked at me and went “Lyss one.big.push. You got this” and let out the hardest, and longest push. I wasn’t breathing, I was screaming so hard and loud. I heard a cry that wasn’t mine for once and Olivia Rae was put on my chest on January 19th 2022 at 8:47 pm.
Holy fuck. My nurses cheered. My one nurse, Lindsey looked at me, “You just fucking did that, no pain meds, no epidural you just fucking did that!” I Just did that. Instantly the pain was gone. I looked down at Olivia and Jimmy and I just cried. She was perfect. Jimmy hugged me and kissed me telling me how strong I was. Next it was time for the placenta. They told me to focus on Olivia and I felt like I was giving birth all over again. I won’t go into that. They took my placenta away to test it, to figure out why it was IGR. There is some conspiracy that they might have gotten my due date wrong. They ran tests on Olivia, which she passed. She had to have no NICU time. She was so strong for only being 4 lbs. 12.7 oz…yup I said it 4 lbs. Nothing was wrong with her and she would have been fine until my induction day. She was just meant to be small. We didn’t like the word “small” , we preferred petite!
Jimmy was on the phone after we moved into a maternity room after Olivia was born with someone, he thought I was resting and i heard, “She is so badass, she did it with no pain meds it was amazing she is so strong, I am so proud of her,” I smiled because I couldn’t believe I did that. I was so proud of myself. I honestly couldn’t picture her any other way. Looking back, I think I understand what they meant when they said she would do better on the outside than in. She is thriving now. She is in all her percentiles, making her milestones everyday. I replay those few days in my head often. That was the coolest thing I have ever done in my life, and probably the coolest thing I’ll ever do. Am I crazy if I say, even after all that pain,I would do it all over again and again? I wouldn’t change a thing. I have this perfect petite, not small, baby girl. I would take that pain x 10 to be able to have her all over again.
As Always, Alyssa
ForTheMoms 